I haven’t written anything for a while so here it goes.
Oh man, first year of college is already over in about 3 weeks. I remember the day I moved in and meeting a lot of wonderful people here @sd. At first I didn’t really like this school. I have no idea why but I just didn’t like the atmosphere. I thought college would be more exciting and what not but I guess I shouldn’t blame sd for that cus I mean college is what you make of it, right? When I started to have some good conversations with people and just simply enjoying things more, I’ve gotten used to this place and grown fond of it. Fall quarter was pretty good. Winter quarter was alright too. But Spring quarter..idk what was up but I’ve realized that I’m such a depressing person that sucks out the joy out of other people. People who I met here @sd probably see me as someone who is really mellow, reserved, unemotional, inexpressive, etc. when I’m not. Well except for the inexpressive part. When I first noticed that people saw me like that I was kinda like the fuq? cus once you get to know me that’s not who I really am. But I guess it’s my fault that I carry around that kind of aura. I am really trying to fix it but it is definitely not easy. I’ve learned a lot of things through my experiences this year. When I tell people my stories they might not understand why those experiences are significant but who cares. I’m kinda glad that I had a pretty unexciting college year cus now I know how to spend my sophomore year and summer (: and just really enjoy life and be adventurous like how I was before. This year, I kept trying to present myself as a person who’s “happy” when I was so spiritually and emotionally numb. I also was waiting for someone who would help me bring my guard down or someone who would bring out my inner joy. But imma just really challenge myself and just try to share and be open with others. Of course, I’m gonna make mistakes but I gotta stop being so hard on myself and just let things happen cus life goes on. It’s time for some changes because I don’t wanna give out negative energy and hurt others or make them feel uncomfortable. I need to accept things the way they are and stop being a bitch about it. I also gotta change my tone when I talk cus I unintentionally give attitude. Sorry if I offended anyone cus I didn’t mean to. heh
But yea..I guess this is all I have to say for now.
The more you struggle to live, the less you live. Give up the notion that you must be sure of what you are doing. Instead, surrender to what is real within you, for that alone is sure….you are above everything distressing